I’m sure I can snap out of it. One can hope. I’m horribly sad. I’m angry that brother is gone. I am angry my family left me. They gave up. I wasn’t perfect. I have reason to be depressed. I have reason to be angered. Right now I just want to be alone with my thoughts, my pens and my drawings.

The holidays are extremely difficult on me. I watch and hear of other families and I can’t help but miss my own. I can’t help but wonder what I did that was so wrong they lost hope and gave up on me.

Suffering can’t describe it. Anguish, sorrow, heartbroken. It’s like having your whole family die in one day.

By emotionaldiorama

I’m heartbroken

I am currently sitting here heartbroken.  There are a number of reasons. My brother died. I found out two days ago. He wasn’t even 30 years old. No one told me he died. Not even my biological mother. The family on both sides of me has abandon me. My mother’s side, my Grandmother used to talk to me, however she died. My genetic fathers side, they haven’t spoken to me since, I believe… 1987.

I’m in love, he doesn’t feel the same way. He is the last person I slept with before I gave up sex.

I couldn’t reach my hero. I failed trying. I spent 8 years trying to reach out to him.

I have about 5 friends, whom I converse with through snail mail.

I’m giving up my phone. I left my old Facebook account. I just have the I don’t care attitude. I’m severely depressed. I think no one listens, no one cares, unless a monetary figure is involved. When I purchase the man I am in love with something he talks to me, otherwise he is with other women. I recently purchased him an NFL jersey. I guess I am just crazy.

I don’ t mind being crazy- it gets lonesome. I’m disgusted that my hero has chosen to hook up with porn actresses. Well I don’t know that for sure, but I have heard rumors and there is a photo of the two of them floating around.

I’ve recently moved. I move a lot. Whenever I am sad, pissed off or someone hurts me, I tend to pack up the house and move. I cannot count how many times I have moved.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. I’ve started drinking again. I take too many pills. My liver is shot, my heart is broken and my eyes are full of tears.

No-one hears me. I’ve published two books. I caught my ex husband with his pants down in front of my child years ago. I had a mental breakdown. You cannot comprehend what walking in on that does to a person until you live it.  I should’ve killed him.

I’ve had a shitty life. I left that ex husband. My child went to a new adopted home. The child is thriving. She placed second place in her dance competition tonight.  The man I am in love with is moving away to New Zealand.  His words he told me ring constantly in my head. Bullshit words he told to the others. I wasn’t the only woman in his life.

No-one falls back in love, not with me. I’m too complicated. I’m moody. I’m bitter. I have every right to be.

These days I find comfort in drawing. No-one seems to be reading what I write or my books. I hope when I am dead my dairies find a nice place on a second hand store shelf.  I love writing. I hate that others don’t relate to my words, my pain.

By emotionaldiorama

Wait!!

I’m getting ahead of myself. To know this story we have to go back in time.

 

By emotionaldiorama